Excuse me, what?
In my grief, I often found that people just didn’t know what to say to me. This either led them to not speak to me at all, or sometimes, say some of the worst possible sentences. If you have suffered a loss, I would guess you have heard these unfortunately common sentiments. More often than not, the people saying these things mean well and don’t realize how hurtful they are being. I want to go through a few of these sentiments with you. If you are grieving, this may be painful. If you believe it may be too difficult to read through these tough phrases, feel free to skip this post for now. If you are not grieving, maybe try to help your friends and family by not saying these things, or try to alternative phrases I offer.
“God has a plan for everything.” or “God works all things for good.” I think people honestly believe this is comforting. It’s not. All it did for me was fuel the anger I already felt toward God. Like many of the others, this is theologically accurate. However, accuracy does not equal comforting. In my anger, all I heard was God did this to me. How could I trust a God that would do this? I had to wrestle with the truth that God’s plan doesn’t always go the way we want it to. Looking back on my loss and time of grief, I can now see how God helped me. Death itself was never in God’s plan. God created Adam to live in the Garden of Eden. Within the garden was the Tree of Life. By eating from the tree, Adam and Eve had the potential to live forever. However, because of their sin, they were banished from the garden, thus losing access to the Tree of Life and bringing death upon themselves. So God never intended for humans to die, though it is now a natural part of life. One might ask, “well then, why did God give them access to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, knowing that it would lead to sin?” This is evidence of God’s love, as counter-intuitive as it seems. To not give access to the tree was to not give Adam and Eve the option of following God. God does not want slaves, He wants sons and daughters. To have no choice but to follow is to be a slave. In order to provide humans free will, God had to provide a choice. Adam and Eve made the choice to disobey God and sin. They were banished, thus cutting off humanity from the Tree of Life. God’s plan would be for humanity to have stayed in the garden and had continued access to life. So yes, God may have a plan, but it doesn’t necessarily mean everything is always rainbows and butterflies. Instead, God provides comfort and peace when the world seems to fall apart. Instead of saying “God has a plan,” maybe try “I pray God gives you comfort in this pain.” And follow through with the prayers.
“Heaven needed another angel.” This one is just wrong. This is harmfully theologically incorrect. To say this is to imply that the one grieving didn’t need their loved one as much as Heaven did. While I won’t dive into all the the theology of angels (I admit I am not a theologian), the Bible gives us clues as to the difference between humans and angels. In 1 Corinthians 6:3, Paul says humans will judge angels. How can humans judge angels if we cease to be human and become angels ourselves? Besides the hurtful implication of this sentiment, it is dangerously inaccurate. Please just refrain from saying any variation of this to someone who is grieving. If someone says it to you in grief, please recognize its inaccuracy. This sentiment is neither helpful nor true.
“God will never give you more than you can handle.” This is probably one of the most popular things people will say to someone, not only in grief but in any difficult situation. Besides implying that losing a loved one is equivalent to losing a favorite hoodie, it is also theologically inaccurate. I think this thought likely originated from 1 Corinthians 10:13, “…God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand…” This verse seems to suggest that God will not give you more than you can handle, but this verse specifically speaks to temptation. The verse continues to say that God will give us a way out of any temptation. Death, loss, and difficult situations are not temptations to be avoided. They are inevitable parts of life. In 2 Corinthians 1:8, Paul writes “…For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.” Does this sound familiar? Does your grief throw you into a deep despair as mine did? Paul was writing of his experience in Asia. It was one of strong persecution, not temptation, but difficult situation. Paul goes on to say, “…that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God…” (1 Corinthians 1:9). God will absolutely allow us to walk in situations beyond our control or strength to endure. Like Paul said, this is to help us learn to rely on God instead of ourselves. And trust me, He is much worthier of trust than any human can be. So when you encounter someone grieving, instead of using this common but hurtful and inaccurate sentiment, try “God will give you strength to endure.” Or just validate the griever’s pain and offer a prayer if wanted.
For the grievers, I want to ask you something. This will be very difficult, but can you find a way to give grace to those who say hurtful things? This is in no way a full list of what people said to me, but only a short list of the more common phrases. It is my strong belief that people do not generally intend to cause more pain, but are simply unsure of what to say or how to help. If you can, and maybe with God’s help, try to give grace. Not only to others, but to yourself as well. Allow others to make mistakes without resentment, and allow yourself to feel pain without shame. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a sin. Grief is a natural part of love when the loved one is no longer with us.
