Grieving what you never had
The word grief is most commonly associated with the loss of a loved one. Even those who have experienced loss and all the emotions that come with it tend to forget about one very important aspect: grieving what you never had. This seems counter-intuitive at first glance. How can you grieve something that you haven’t had, thus haven’t lost? I think that is the fault in the thought process. Just because we have not had something, doesn’t mean we cannot lose it or grieve the loss of it. I tend to call this grieving the secondary losses.
Secondary losses are those beyond the initial loss. In my case, I lost the chance to see my husband teach my son to ride a bike or fix a car. My son lost the opportunity to learn from his dad. Those secondary losses will continue, likely for the rest of our lives. My son will not have his dad to help him move into his college dorm, or fix his tie before his wedding ceremony. I don’t say this to be a downer, I am only speaking what is now my reality. Through time, I have come to be at peace with this reality, but it is not easy.
We can learn a lot about grieving what we haven’t had by taking a look at Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. Hannah was the first wife to Elkanah, and though he loved her, she was unable to bear children. Elkanah’s second wife Peninnah had many children and often taunted Hannah over childlessness (1 Samuel 1:6). For many years, Hannah would go to the temple to pray for a child. Like many who have grieved, those closest to her did not understand. Her husband, who loved her dearly, asked “‘Hannah, why are you crying?…Why won’t you eat? Why are you troubled? Am I not better to you than ten sons?’” (1 Samuel 1:8). While I cannot say for sure, I do not believe Elkanah was malicious in asking these questions. I think he truly did not understand why she was so upset over not having a child. Perhaps those who have suffered infertility or miscarriage may understand Hannah, and may have experienced similar questions from others. I cannot imagine how deeply these questions must cut. It is not recorded, so we do not know what Hannah’s response to these questions or Peninnah’s taunts were. All we know is Hannah continued to go to the temple to pray year after year.
In verses 8-18, we read of a specific encounter with the priest of the temple, Eli. Hannah was so distraught over her childlessness that she was weeping in her prayers. “Hannah was praying silently, and though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, ‘How long are you going to be drunk? Get rid of your wine!’” (1 Samuel 1:13). Hannah was so upset, Eli thought she was impaired. And instead of asking if she was okay, he proceeded to make assumptions about her and judge her to be a wicked women in the eyes of the law. Have we not all experienced judgement in our grief? People ask, “Aren’t you over that yet?” or “You have other children, you will be fine.” Or people see us in an intense moment of grief and just say “wow, they’re a mess” without having any idea what emotions we may be suffering at that time. Furthermore, Eli was a priest. Supposedly a man of God who was to be respected above all others.
After his judgement of her, Hannah responded, “I am a woman with a broken heart. I haven’t had any wine or beer; I’ve been pouring my heart out before the Lord…I’ve been praying from the depth of my anguish and resentment." (1 Samuel 1:15-16). I think those words are often overlooked: anguish and resentment. Anguish means severe mental or physical suffering. I think anyone who has suffered loss can identify with Hannah’s anguish. It is an indescribable pain that only others who have grieved can fully understand. However, I think it is the resentment that goes unnoticed in Hannah’s story. Resentment is described as a bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. The Bible does not specify who Hannah is resentful toward, but I imagine it would be several people. If she was anything like me, she would be resentful toward Elkanah for his lack of understanding and Peninnah for her tormenting. Most of all, I believe Hannah was likely resentful to God. She may have viewed her circumstance as God holding out on her. Earlier in the chapter, Hannah prays to God, “…if you will take notice of your servant’s affliction…” (1 Samuel 1:11). The Bible doesn’t say, so this is all my own speculation, but to me, it sounds as if Hannah believes God has forgotten her. She sees Peninnah and other women around her conceiving, yet she is unable to have a child. The “if you will take notice” might be also be stated “what about me?”
Grieving like Hannah, in all her despair and anguish, is normal and expected. I think God made sure to include Hannah’s grief in the Bible to let us know that it’s okay to grieve deeply. Hannah is viewed as a woman of faith, yet she grieved. Grief is not a lack of faith. Grieving what you long for, even though you have never held it, is normal and in no way lack of faith or weakness. In our grief, we may encounter the Elkanahs who don’t understand, the Peninnahs who tease and taunt our anguish, or Elis who pass judgement on us. While all of them had some effect on Hannah’s emotions, they had no effect on her determination. She continued to pray diligently year after year. Eventually, she was rewarded with more than she could imagine: a son who became the most respected prophet in the nation.
