Unknown grief
One of the harder parts of grief can be the unknown. In many aspects of life, the unknown causes fear and anxiety. This is also true with grief. Many people have preconceived notions of what grief will look and feel like. These notions are usually from societal influences, like movies and music, but are just a shadow of what grief truly is. One of the greatest examples of this is found in Jesus’ mother, Mary.
To fully understand Mary’s grief, we must first go back to Jesus’ birth. Mary and Joseph brought their 8 day old son to the temple for purification through circumcision and sacrifice, as was Jewish custom. While in the temple, they met a man by the name of Simeon. Simeon recognized Jesus as the savior and took him in his arms (Luke 2:25-28). Simeon spoke to Mary saying “‘This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your heart too.’” (Luke 2:34-35). I imagine Mary was surprised and perhaps troubled by these words. Mary understood Jesus was the savior, but little else was revealed to her. She knew Jesus was sent to save the world, but I doubt she knew what that would look or feel like. Perhaps she thought people would recognize Jesus as the savior and welcome him, or maybe she expected people to despise him for challenging century-old traditions. She may not have understood what the circumstances would be, but I do believe she expected it to be difficult. This is speculation, as the Bible does not directly say, but I think Mary was frightened by Simeon’s words. He was suggesting that Jesus would be opposed, which Mary may not have thought about before. However, I think the last sentence frightened her the most. Anyone would be scared if someone told them their soul would be pierced by a sword. As a momma myself, the word too would have scared me more. By adding the word too, Simeon implied that not only would Mary’s soul be pierced, but Jesus’ soul would be too. Even this early in Jesus’ life, I imagine she understood how a mother feels what her child feels. If her child suffers, she suffers. If her child laughs, she laughs. Simeon suggested that Jesus would be opposed and his soul would be pierced; no mother wishes to see such pain to be inflicted on her child. I believe Mary kept Simeon’s words in her mind throughout Jesus’ life.
Fast forward to Jesus’ death 30+ years later. For the past several years, Mary had watched and worried as her son became increasingly despised, until he was ultimately seen as an enemy. I think she believed she understood what Simeon meant when he implied her pain, but she truly did not know yet. Eventually, Mary’s worst fear was realized: Jesus was to be killed. John 19:25 tells us Mary was at the foot of the cross, watching the brutality and humiliation inflicted on her son. While she is only briefly mentioned, I do believe there is much to learn in these few verses. As a momma, I cannot imagine the pain and helplessness she must have felt that day. Much of John 19 is devoted to describing the humiliation and brutality Jesus suffered. By Mary being present at the cross, one can assume she was present for the entire ordeal, from trial to burial. This would mean she watched helplessly as her son was unjustly convicted, forced to carry his own cross, pierced by both nail and sword, and ultimately killed. She was forced to watch on as even after his death, his body was mutilated. She watched as his side was pierced by a sword (John 19:34). I believe it was in this moment that Mary truly understood what Simeon spoke. As Jesus was pierced with a sword, her soul was pierced also.
Mary had decades to prepare for the events Simeon spoke of and I believe she tried to prepare herself as best she could. Many can identify with Mary in this way, especially if they were forced to watch helplessly as a prolonged illness took the strength and life of their loved one. Many have heard of anticipatory grief, but I think this is a misleading term. One may anticipate the death of a loved one and try to brace themselves for the grief that will follow, but no one can truly be prepared for the heartbreak felt the moment their loved on dies. Try as we may, it is impossible to fully understand grief until you experience it. Similarly, it is hard to understand the peace and joy that can be borne from it. It may seem impossible right now. It may seem like empty words to say that your heart can be healed after suffering immense pain. Let’s look again at Mary. In Acts 1:14, Mary is seen with the disciples as they accept their purpose of spreading the gospel. Mary had found new purpose. How did she do this? How did she go from suffering so much to being healed and purposeful? First, Mary had help. While on the cross, Jesus instructed his closest friend to ensure his mother was cared for (John 19:27). From then on, the friend took Mary into his home and cared for her as his own mother. It may be difficult for us to accept help sometimes, but to the right people, you will never be a burden. Find your support you can depend on and accept the help they offer you, even if it is simply a listening ear. Also, don’t be afraid to sit with your grief. Mary was brave enough to stand (or sit or cry on her knees) at the foot of the cross. Despite the pain she felt, she was determined to stay and feel what needed to be felt. I encourage you to feel what you need to feel to the extend you need to feel it. Through support and processing emotion, a grieving heart can be healed.
