Damage of the unhealed
A few things I must say before jumping into the post: 1) I am not a psychiatrist. What I say is only my observations and my opinions. Honestly, that goes for everything I post. 2) This is less of a biblical-based post and more of an observation-type post. 3) This post contains potential spoilers for Disney’s Encanto. Read with caution if you plan to watch but haven’t yet. I will do my best to explain the story for those who haven’t seen it but don’t plan to. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…
For those who have not seen Encanto, it is about the Madrigal family. Everyone in the Madrigal family is given a “gift,” a specific magical power. For example, Camilo can shape-shift and Antonio can talk to animals. Everyone has a gift except Mirabel, making her feel like an outsider in her own family. Abuela (Mirabel’s grandma) “runs this show” as Mirabel says. Abuela is the leader of the family, and is very adamant that the “miracle” of their magic continues. As their family name suggests, each person is required to meet strict expectations to keep peace in the family (a madrigal is a lyrical poem with strict poetic form). Unfortunately, Abuela shows affection to family members based on her perceived usefulness of their gift. Mirabel’s sisters, Isabella and Luisa are loved by their Abuela more than Mirabel, but it comes at a cost. Isabella’s gift is being able to grow whatever flowers she wants, usually being roses. Isabella is expected to have grace, beauty and perfection at all times. Luisa’s gift is super-strength. She is useful to the community by being the one to complete heavy tasks such as moving buildings and carrying donkeys back to the barn. Luisa is expected to be able to complete whatever task is given to her. These expectations have a detrimental effect to the girls. Isabella feels limited to being perfect, unable to express herself in a meaningful way. Luisa says in her song, “I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service.” Abuela is so focused on their gifts that they feel enormous pressure to measure up to her standards.
Many view Abuela as a villain or abusive and in many ways, she is. Her controlling attitude has traumatic effects on her family, even more that I can say here. But I view her a little differently. I cannot dismiss the damage she did, but while others view her as evil, I view her as traumatized. The miracle of her family’s magic was given at her lowest moment. She had just given birth to triplets when she and her husband were forced to flee their home. Invaders came to their town to burn it down. As everyone fled, the invaders followed. Abuela watched as the invaders killed her husband. She was left alone with three infants. As a widow myself, left alone with a six month old, I can only imagine the pain and grief she went through. The miracle came to her and built a place of refuge for her and her children. Abuela began a new life, but being focused on rebuilding and raising her family, never really healed. In one part of the movie, Abuela admits she was never able to return to the place her husband was killed.
Again, this is all my speculation, but I believe it was unhealed grief that caused Abuela to be so controlling. Also again, I do not absolve her of the damage she caused her family. But hurt people tend to hurt people, whether intentionally or not. Like many grievers, Abuela latched on to what she perceived as the last piece of her husband. She associates the magic as the last remaining part of her husband, as it was given to her immediately after her husband was killed. Even 50 years later, she holds so tightly to it. When Mirabel did not receive her gift, Abuela viewed this as a threat to the magic. She then goes on to treat Mirabel as an outsider to be suppressed rather than a granddaughter to be loved. To her, the magic was more important than even her own family. Her grief had become so strong, she lost sight of what was important.
The question I pose to any griever is what have you lost sight of? For me, I have to be very intentional about how I treat my son. I know that I run the risk of being my family’s version of Abuela. My son is a spitting image of my husband, both physically and in personality. At times, I have to remind myself that he is his own person, not a miniature version of Travis. I strongly believe that if I am not careful, I could easily set unrealistic expectations on my son. I could be so focused on holding onto what I lost that I lost sight of what was right in front of me. In addition, this may not be immediately apparent. Honestly, my risk of becoming a version of Abuela was only truly clear after seeing Encanto. Now that I realize the damaging expectations I may place on my son, even if it is subconscious and unintentional, I have to pay closer attention. There is still a part of me that needs more healing. I encourage any griever to pay close attention. Are you holding on too tightly? Are you unintentionally causing harm stemming from your grief? Do your best to not be your own version of Abuela.
