Your inner circle
“I am deeply grieved to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake” (Mark 14:34). These were the words Jesus spoke to Peter, James, and John in Gethsemane. On the night of Jesus’ betrayal, he took his disciples and closest friends to the garden. He told the group to sit there while he prayed. He then pulled his closest friends, Peter, James and John further into the garden and asked them to stay awake with him as he grieved. He knew the suffering that was to come at the hands of the Romans. He knew how brutally tortured he would be, and he was terrified. All he asked was for his closest companions to sit and keep watch for him.
In grief, we don’t always know who to call on for support, or what we can ask of them. Jesus set up a pretty good blueprint for us. He chose a small group (his disciples) to take with him into the garden. Those who knew him the best. Those he fully trusted (remember Judas the betrayer was not with them in Gethsemane). Of the whole group, he simply asked them to sit while he went to pray (Mark 14:32). He then took his closest friends further into the garden. He asked them not just to sit, but also to stay awake. This subtle difference can be so important. We may feel comfortable asking more people to just be available to us. Maybe we don’t ask them for anything specific, but only to have someone close. For me, my larger group was my overall friends and family. Those I knew I could trust and would be there for me if I asked something of them. But they were generally on the sidelines. It was comforting to know I had people I could call on if needed, but they weren’t consistently present.
My closest group, the ones I took with me further into my place of grief, was my mom, sister, and best friend. These were the ones who spend days at my house, took care of my son when I was unable to do so myself. I depended on these three more than anyone else, and for the most part, they were there when I needed them. But in my experience, even the most supportive people don’t always meet the expectations we ask of them. I have spoken with many grievers who share a similar experience. The people they pulled in close seemed to fail them. Jesus asked his friends to stay awake, and they could not even do that. In grief, we may ask someone to be there for us, but they have responsibilities to tend to or are just plain uncomfortable with grief. I was blessed to have my circle so willing to sit and listen, even when I was likely repeating the same things over and over. But even my closest circle were human. They had their own lives, their own families, jobs, and responsibilities to tend to. There were times when I needed to talk and they were unavailable. Or I needed to walk away from my crying son but no one else was there to care for him.
It can be hurtful when those we trust are unavailable to us. But it is crucial for us to remember they are human too. They cannot be in many places at once. I may have felt abandoned, but I know now how hard my inner circle worked to do everything they possibly could for me. As hard as it may be, we have to give grace to those who are supporting us. I could not have healed as well as I did without my inner circle, even if they were not able to be available to me whenever I needed them. Find your inner circle. It may be a friend, a sibling, a coworker, or any other person you trust. These are your safe people. When you find them, you will have support in almost anything. These are the ones you can vent to, or just sit comfortably in silence without judgement. These people will be instrumental in your healing process.
