Holiday hardships
Possibly one of the hardest parts of grief can be the holidays or special days. On a day that is meant to be joyful, there is always a reminder of who is missing. The empty chair, the present not bought, the box not wrapped. Maybe your loved one always brought a special dish no one else can make right. Maybe they had a certain thing they would do every year, even if it was as small as choosing the music or lighting a candle. The moment that someone else has to take that task feels like a knife to the heart.
Christmas was always Travis’ and my favorite holiday. We had traditions we had created over the few short years of our married life. But after he died, those traditions that once held joy now held pain and anger. One of those traditions was taking a trip to a Christmas store upstate to buy a special ornament for the year. Travis died a few weeks before our son’s first Christmas. We didn’t get a chance to take that trip together.
As painful as holidays can be, there are a few things you can do to help. First, make a plan. Choose what traditions you want to keep and what you may want to change. For instance, I was determined to keep the yearly trip and ornament tradition. It was my son’s first Christmas, so we had planned to let him see Santa at this Christmas store. Two weeks after Travis died, I took the drive. Did I cry surrounded by Christmas lights and ornaments? Yep. Is that perfectly okay? I didn’t think so at the time, but also yes. What I hadn’t realized was that moment held healing for me, even when it was full of pain. It allowed me to carry on and include my son in a tradition Travis loved. Yes, it felt all wrong to have my mom with me instead of him, but it led to healing I didn’t even know I needed yet.
That leads me to another point: choose carefully with whom you spend the holidays. I had my mom with me and she was very understanding. She could have scolded me for embarrassing her while I broke down next to the glass bird ornaments. Instead, she did her best to comfort me even in a busy place. If you choose the right people, they will ease your pain instead of add to it. The right people will not judge or interrogate you if you cry or have to step away. The right people will do what they can to pick up a small piece of your grief, lightening your load ever so slightly. Make sure to connect with the people who can help you heal, and communicate your emotions and needs with them. Be honest with yourself and others on what you are feeling or struggling with.
The greatest piece of advice I can give you with the upcoming holiday season is this: give yourself grace. Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions you need to feel to the extent you need to feel them. Need to break down and cry in the ornament aisle? Go ahead, feel the things. If you need to leave a party after 20 minutes, you do that. (Pro tip: always drive yourself so you have a way out if needed.) Ultimately, only you can decide what is right in your grief in this season. However you decide to tackle the holidays, I wish you joy and healing.
